Assalam alaikum everyone. 

I’m a 27-year-old Muslim woman living in a Western country, and I’m struggling with the whole marriage process. My family wants me to get married soon, and they’re making introductions for me through relatives and friends in our community. I am not at all against marriage — I would like to be married one day — but the process right now is so overwhelming.

The potential partners I’m being introduced to often expect me to fit a more traditional role than I can be comfortable with. I love my career and hope to keep working after marriage, but I also want a partnership where household responsibilities are shared fairly and amicably. In view of this, I keep getting comments like “you can work until the kids come” or “my mum will help you be a good wife.”

I also get told that I’m being “too picky” for wanting someone who respects boundaries and sees me as an equal. I can see that to a degree, and probably ned to accept a ‘perfect partner’ does not exist. My mum thinks I’m brainwashed by “western ideas that frequently lead to divorce,” and my dad thinks I’m stuck in a rut waiting for a perfect man who doesn’t exist. He may be right. Argggh. 

So, I’m stuck between wanting to honour my faith and my family’s wishes, but also deep inside wanting a marriage where I’m accepted as a full human being, and not just a checklist that fits cultural norms.